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That is where you will find me.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Dread of the Blank Page
At times it is hard to tackle this obstacle.
The ominous feel of pouring ones soul onto a piece of paper (or text box)
My chest tightens as words form on the page
Knowing that this is my inner most ideals being presented
The ominous feel of pouring ones soul onto a piece of paper (or text box)
My chest tightens as words form on the page
Knowing that this is my inner most ideals being presented
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Muse?
Muse seems to little of a word to express the inspiration that comes from our surroundings. They come in such plentiful forms that to squeeze that into a four letter word baffles me. The entire English language disappoints me sometimes. We have all these beautiful things in the world around us, and the best we can come up with is "tree" or "ocean". Perhaps just the word itself is meant for us to derive our own meaning from it. Not just take what is being said for granted. Words have such power that those who use them lightly should be educated in what it is they are doing. Some how writers, musicians, artists, and orators find ways to arrange words in forms that reach into our soul and bring to the surface feelings and ideals we never thought dwelt there.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
How to start a year?
How should I start this year?
With a new outlook on life?
Making promises to myself to lose something?
I have decided this is my year to be me.
Nothing that I believe to be the standards of others.
This will be the year I start chasing my dreams with exuberant passion
I refuse to be talked down by others and myself
With that said, here is a taste of what is to come...
I took a shower hoping to relax my nerves. It was no use, but it managed to ease my tensed muscles. I had to take a Benadryl to sleep, I was much too anxious to achieve that on my own. With the aid of allergy medicine, the dreams returned. I was back in the Camaro, staring at the man across the street. Staring as well as I could, he was located in an area that forced me to almost turn completely around. He moved around to the front of the Impala. I wanted to say something to him, to make him come closer. I couldn’t find my voice, or bring myself to open my mouth in fear I would scream. I felt the warm tears stream my face again, and felt a thick, warm liquid trickle down my left cheek. I was also aware of it going down my left arm.
The man continued to look at me, his messy brown hair casting a shadow across one of his eyes. His expression was a combination of anger and ruin. Like there was something he should have done but didn’t. The man began to walk across the street, but was cut off by sirens wailing. I waited for the ambulance to get positioned so I could get a good look at him. This would settle things. If Sean was in my dream, there was much I needed to say to him. But that was the end. The ambulance siren turned into the alarm clock beeping loudly. I must have slept rather stiff, every inch of my right side was sore. I rolled over and glared at the alarm clock. Slamming my hand down on the button I stretched and got out of bed. Becca was awake, reading and drinking coffee. We had stayed at a little bed and breakfast, it was rather nice. Lucas knew me way too well. This had been one of the places he wrote down, we were extremely lucky they had a vacant room.
I looked through my clothes, trying to figure out what would be appropriate for legend tracking. I smiled at the thought. What an adventure for Lucas to leave for me. I grabbed a pair of jeans and a fitted, blue long sleeve shirt over a white tank top. I pulled my boots on over my jeans. I stared into the mirror, my dark wavy hair hung loosely passed my collarbone. I contemplated pulling it back or into a braid. Finally I decided to leave it like it was. I looked back at the clock, almost 6:30, Sean would already be up. Taking one more glance in the mirror, I rushed downstairs to pour some green tea into a thermos.
“Hey! You about ready?” I asked Becca who was sitting in an arm chair reading a large book.
“Yeah! Just finished looking through a travel guide and some maps.” She said setting down her coffee cup.
I thanked the owner who was making breakfast and ran out the door. Before I could make it to the curb I ran into somebody.
“Woops, sorry” I said, catching him so neither one of us fell over. He caught me more than me catching him.
“You’re clumsy aren’t you?” a familiar voice said in a laugh.
“Sean! Hi! No, not all the time, I actually have gotten clumsier here.” I straightened up as he wrapped his arm around my waist to steady me.
“I decided to go ahead and meet you here. It is better to start from here; we would be back tracking otherwise.” He was dressed in jeans and a green t-shirt today, with a gray jacket. My heart lightened as I looked into his eyes. I hadn’t felt like this for some time, and for a split second it almost hurt.
So not to hurt his feelings I pretended to need a jacket so I reached into my bag, wiggling out of his arm. Becca came outside and met us. She eyed at how close we were still standing next to each other, a grin stretching across her face. “How are we getting around today?”
“Driving, it’s a little much of a hassle to walk when you aren’t exactly certain where it is you are going. My car is parked over there, the black BMW 325i.” he pointed over to a car parked beside the curb.
“Nice!” I admitted. My truck would stand out horribly over here. I looked at the other compact cars and motorcycles zooming down the street.
“It’s small, but plenty spacious. You both all set?” he asked.
“Yep, got everything I need.” Becca said. She was simply in jeans and a hoodie. No thought went into her outfit today. Yet she pulled it off magnificently. Was I being that ridiculous?
“Yeah, I brought a journal to take some notes as we go along and a list of places that Lucas gave me,” I said patting my shoulder bag.
“Do you mind if I take a look? We may get a hint from him.” He said.
“Nope, you’ve probably been everywhere on the list.” I said pulling out my journal and opening it to take out the note. “Here”
“Well looks like you’ve knocked out a couple, including my bookstore. How long ago did he move to America?”
“Long time ago when he was really little. We were in junior high or high school when he came to Oklahoma. He came back a few years ago though, those might be places from when he revisited.” I said hoping that he actually knew Lucas.
“I might’ve seen him maybe. Hmm, hitting up a few of these places may not hurt. Especially if he’s been there before. It may be a relative or friend’s establishment.” He said handing me the piece of paper.
“He had mentioned meeting his mom’s brother while he was over here,” I added. I shoved it back into my journal in my bag. We followed him to his car. Becca slid into the backseat, I glared at her.
I had to ride shotgun, it would be rude to leave him up front like a chauffeur. I plopped abruptly into the seat and shoved the belt into place. I recognized the band on the mp3 player and smiled. He had good taste in music, was this guy for real? There were things that set him apart from Lucas definitely; he wasn’t a carbon copy of him. Which I had to admit to myself I was extremely grateful. I would probably be having a panic attack if he were any more similar. Lucas kept to the classics when it came to movies or music, sometimes allowing new instrumentals into his collection. Movies I definitely agreed with him on, but sometimes I needed some new and different music. As the acoustic guitar played softly through the car speakers I allowed myself to have a memory of Lucas. We were riding in his car, going to pick something out for the wedding. I wanted to play a CD in his car but he was arguing about how the lead singer sounded whiney.
“Whiney? He’s talking about his life, his love, how is that whiney?” I defended the artist.
“Oh come on Tristyn, you have to admit his voice is a little annoying. And it’s just one guy and a guitar.”
“That’s what makes it so great. It’s raw and real. Simplicity at its finest.” I said looking through the lyrics of the songs. I knew them by heart but it was like poetry when read from the page. That gave me an idea. I started reciting some of the lyrics to really drive my argument home.
“I see your point the lyrics aren’t bad, but his voice, come on.” He smiled, grabbing my hand to kiss it.
“Where are we going?” Becca’s voice brought me back.
“Well, I thought we would try a place that specializes in noble heritage that’s about an hour from here. A little hole in the wall but it is known for their accuracy and precision. I also happen to know the folks that run the place,” He said, the last part seemed to be some sort of joke we weren’t getting.
I put my hand to my cheek to rest it against the door panel and realized that my cheek was wet. Why was I always crying? This guy was going to think I was emotionally unstable. I breathed deeply in, steadying myself. They were not sad tears though, perhaps longing but not sad. I missed Lucas dearly right now. My gut began to hurt so I folded my arms over my stomach. He should have been here with me, but I was with Becca and Sean. Sean who tugged at forgotten part of me.
I allowed myself to get lost in the objects passing by us. I imagined for a moment that I was on my honeymoon with Lucas; that the last few months hadn’t happened. That everything was how they should’ve been. My stomach turned into a thick knot, I rested my head on the seat and closed my eyes. I tightened my arms around my stomach. All the while my head began pounding.
“How are you doing over there? You’re awfully quiet, Tristyn,” Becca said laying a hand on my shoulder.
I opened one eye and looked at her. “Didn’t sleep great last night,”
She quickly understood, she nodded and pursed her lips together. “Oh,”
“Do you need me to stop for anything? Coffee maybe,” Sean asked, smiling at me. My heart jumped at the sight of his smile.
“That sounds like an awesome idea. Aspirin wouldn’t hurt either.” I said.
“Alright, we’ll stop just around the way here.” He nodded toward the corner.
I needed to talk to Becca and wake up. It was important that I didn’t miss anything from today. I also didn’t want to miss a moment with Sean. The sun was out today, which was nice; we wouldn’t have the rain and cold to deal with. Becca and I got out to grab some coffee while Sean started talking to an old man sitting outside the shop.
“What was the dream about this time?” Becca asked while we waited.
“Lucas of course. Only, okay, please don’t think I’m completely insane.” I said. “I was in the car with Lucas after the wreck. (This sounded better rather than being in his place.) And I saw a man coming toward the car, but the sirens of the ambulance cut him off. It was weird because everything was so vivid. And I felt pain, real pain, like I had actually been in a car accident.”
Becca nodded. “That’s not too crazy Tristyn. You had ridden with Lucas in his Camaro plenty of times, and have some sort of idea what happened. I think you’re trying to piece something together, like maybe figuring out why.”
I bit my lip, keeping to myself that I swore Sean was in the dream too. I could only imagine her psycho analysis of that. We took our coffee outside. Becca walked passed Sean and towards the car. She nodded toward Sean and climbed into the car. I stopped next to Sean to wait for him to finish his conversation. He walked beside me to the car. Taking his time with each step, kicking a few rocks along the way.
“You look better, I was worried. You looked a little sick in the car.” He said, a slight shadow lined his face. This allowed the lines of his face become more defined.
“I’m fine, just memories you know. Memories of Lucas, and the realization that this was supposed to be another memory. Sorry, I’m a little lost right now.” I said taking in a breath. Again he looked helpless.
“I’m truly sorry, I wish there was something I could do to make it better, but I have no idea how you feel. I’ve never had as much as a girlfriend before so I know nothing of that sort of loss.”
I gave him a reassuring smile.
“Its fine, I think it will just take me a while to get better. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be the same ya know?
“ I know.” He said “From what I know, after a couple of days, you’re a good person. And Lucas knew this I think, he was extremely lucky to have gotten to be with you.”
“Thanks, I’m glad I got to be the one he chose.” I said.
We climbed into the car and headed onto the road. I was glad to have the strength to stay awake. Sean was great to talk to, he went on about his schooling, music he liked, books he had read, places he had been. I was fascinated to learn all that I could about him. It made me feel a little better about the feelings that were growing. He had managed quite a bit of information into an hour drive. We had to be getting close, he was now explaining his family. Becca managed to ask questions that I didn’t think of. I was very thankful that she had come along with me.
“My family is a little funny, we split into half sort of when I was real young, barely two, my dad Irish and mum was English. Don’t know much about her. My dad told me I had an older brother but he went with my mum to the states. Not too long ago she wrote me a letter letting me know she loved me and the separation was for the best. She only had my safety in mind, totally didn’t understand what she meant though. So I went to study in America, I guess hoping that I would find that long lost brother. Bet this sounds nutty huh?” he said after glancing at my face.
I shook my head; I was adopted after all and had no idea who my actual parents were. I could have a whole other family for all I knew. “I’m adopted, no clue where I come from,”
“You seem to fit in great over here. You’d be able to blend when you go to Ireland. Until you spoke that is. Oh, here we are.” He pulled into a parking lot in front of a very old looking building. Large stone steps lead up to the door.
“This is a hole in the wall?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“This is the library, the heritage place is right there.” He pointed to a smaller building beside the library. It looked like it could be a small café. Glass windows with old pictures displayed some books, and things that were supposed to look like family heirlooms.
“Oh, okay.” I nodded.
“Come on, I told them we were coming, wouldn’t want them waiting.” He walked through the door
Becca and I followed; I looked around at the buildings around us. We must have been in the heart of London. We were standing on top of a hill, The Thames river could be seen, Big Ben towering behind several buildings. I loved the smell that engulfed us as we walked through the door, coffee and some kind of bread baking. Sean was shaking hands and hugging a man behind the counter, and called to someone that must have been somewhere in the back of the store.
“This is my dad,” Sean said, motioning towards the man.
“Oh! Hello ladies! Who are these young women?” the man behind the counter came out to shake our hands too.
“I’m Tristyn,” I said smiling.
“Rebecca” Becca said grabbing the man’s hand.
“Liam, pleasure, how do you happen to know Sean?”
Before we could answer a woman’s voice traveled through the store, “Liam, who is it?”
“Sean, he’s brought some Americans with him too,” Liam shouted.
“Is that so? Splendid!” the woman’s voice sang. A short woman with blonde frizzy hair pinned back, wearing just about every color you could at once came out wiping her hands. Her green eyes were framed with smile lines.
“Hello, dears. My name is Sara.” She gave us both hugs.
“Sean! How have you been?” she embraced Sean as a mother would have.
“Good, Aunt Sarah.” Sean said, “Not much has happened since Sunday you know. Except meeting these two, the bookstore is ridiculously slow. Dad, I was wondering if you could do something for Tristyn.”
“What’s that?” he asked smiling at me.
“Well, um…” Why couldn’t I just spit the words out?
“I wanted to find some information on my late fiancé’s family. I know he is from somewhere close to here. And I think he had mentioned being noble on his mother’s side.” I said, surprised at myself.
“What’s his name?” Liam asked going over to his computer.
“Lucas Walker,” I said, I could’ve sworn Liam flinched at Lucas’s first name, and then shook it off.
“Alright, let’s see here,” he typed the name into the computer and scrolled around.
“You said Walker? Do you happen to know his mom’s name?”
“Gwen, I never met her though. She died when Lucas was about 15” I said studying his face, aware that Sean was studying mine. Becca came up and wrapped her arm around me.
“No Gwen Walker, got a father’s name?” his voice cracked in the middle.
“Are you alright Dad?” Sean asked.
“Yeah, all those years of smoking, you know?” He said, coughing loudly.
Sean raised an eyebrow and turned his head reluctantly back to me.
“No, he never talked about his dad, he stayed here when they went to the states,” as the words came out Liam excused himself and almost ran to the back. Sara was staring at me, with a soft, knowing smile. I was so confused.
“My family is going insane,” Sean said. “I’ll go see what’s up with Dad,”
“What’s wrong?” I asked Sara watching Sean walk to the back of the store.
“It’s just; I think it may be best if I just told you. They may be a while. I think the last name may be false or changed, dear.” She said pretending to read the computer.
I was trying to reason what was going on. The wrong name. We had gotten all the paper work done to get married, his name was correct. It had been Walker since I had known him, since junior high. My eyebrows pulled together as I concentrated on what Sara’s words meant. Becca spoke “False name? Like witness protection stuff?”
“Something like that,” Sara said. She came beside me and led me to a seat. “Can you tell me a little about him dear?”
I nodded as I slid into the chair.
“What did Lucas look like?” she said.
Before I knew it the words “Like Sean,” came out.
Becca’s eyes widened as looked at me, thinking about the resemblances she hadn’t noticed before. Her mouth dropped a little.
“Could you be a little more specific?” she patted my hand. She reached behind her and handed me a tissue. I hadn’t even realized there were tears on my cheek.
“Same stormy blue gray eyes, Lucas had lighter hair. Smile is the exact same though. They even kind of sound the same when they speak, except Lucas had a softer accent.”
As I described Lucas, more tears building in the corners of my eyes. I coughed and hurried to wipe them away. I began to understand that all my stupid theories had been true. My life wasn’t as mediocre as I had always though, apart from being adopted. I focused heavily on steadying my breaths. I felt Becca’s hand give mine a little squeeze. At this moment, I would have taken mediocrity.
“Could this not all be coincidence?” Becca asked, even though her voice was obviously doubtful of her own question.
“I sincerely think not dear,” Sara said. “You see a lot of things happened with nobility when the boys were young. Our family was true to what they believed, still are deep down. There was another noble family who didn’t like Liam’s grandfather, Sean. Sean was very loyal to the crown and what the crown stood for. Peace and strength for England, and to uphold this Sean was determined to protect the secret that the prince was desperately in love with an Irish princess, Ellyan.’
“The prince told Sean in confidence that he was going to fake his death, the crown would pass to his younger brother, and he would be able to go to his love. The princess in Ireland was the youngest of her siblings, being only 17; she had no desire of being in the shadows of her brothers and sister. She told her father she was going to America to study and hope to become an ambassador. The other noble family’s representation at the time, Xavier, somehow discovered the prince’s plan. When the prince faked his own death, Xavier pinned the blame on Sean. Without any kind of evidence, he was never convicted though his reputation was greatly demolished. Sean went with the prince and vowed to protect him and his love. They lived in the country in a small cottage with Sean’s family.’
“Ellyan died giving birth to her daughter, who the prince raised with the help of Sean and his wife. They lived in the cottage the daughter moved back to Ireland. When the boys were young the grandson of Ellyan and the prince, arrived with his daughter. His wife had been killed when someone had realized whose descendant he was and burned his house. He and the baby had gone into town. Liam and Gwen, who was also noble birth, told Joshua that the only way to ensure the baby’s and his own safety was to send the baby away. So they put her up for adoption in America. He still lives in a small town outside of Dublin.
‘But Liam and Gwen were reluctant to leave them all on their own, so being true to their code they decided to separate and protect each one. Liam protected Joshua, and Gwen followed the baby girl. They split the boys too, grateful they were much too young to know the truth. Well Sean was too young at least, Lucas might’ve remembered. But this is how I am amazed to actually be looking at you Tristyn. I fear that they tracked Lucas back to the states after he visited. I am so sorry for your loss, and I understand this is a lot to take in right now.”
I was completely shocked, Becca was as well. Her mouth had fallen open again. There was no way, was there. My entire life, world, existence had just been turned upside down in a matter of seconds. Was this why I was to come here? Was this why I was destined for Lucas or Sean or whoever? Sean and Liam had walked through the door while Sara was finishing the story. Sean’s eyes her completely locked on me. Liam had his hand on Sean’s shoulder.
“I-I need to go outside, with Sean please.” I said slowly getting up. Sean followed me out the door. Becca watched my face, I shook my head. I needed to speak with Sean. I felt awful, extremely nauseated and overwhelmed. I could only imagine Sean feeling the same way, also I desperately wanted him to know how great his brother was.
It had started to rain while we were inside. As we walked outside I sat down on a bench under an awning. I was lost. Sean grabbed my hand and with his other hand rubbed my shoulder. He was comforting me. His hand on mine felt right, like it was suppose to fit there. This caused the crying to worsen. Lucas’ hand felt right too. Then there was the knowledge that my father was out there somewhere, and that Sean would never know his brother. That Liam had lost his son twice. I felt everyone’s hurt at the same time.
With a new outlook on life?
Making promises to myself to lose something?
I have decided this is my year to be me.
Nothing that I believe to be the standards of others.
This will be the year I start chasing my dreams with exuberant passion
I refuse to be talked down by others and myself
With that said, here is a taste of what is to come...
I took a shower hoping to relax my nerves. It was no use, but it managed to ease my tensed muscles. I had to take a Benadryl to sleep, I was much too anxious to achieve that on my own. With the aid of allergy medicine, the dreams returned. I was back in the Camaro, staring at the man across the street. Staring as well as I could, he was located in an area that forced me to almost turn completely around. He moved around to the front of the Impala. I wanted to say something to him, to make him come closer. I couldn’t find my voice, or bring myself to open my mouth in fear I would scream. I felt the warm tears stream my face again, and felt a thick, warm liquid trickle down my left cheek. I was also aware of it going down my left arm.
The man continued to look at me, his messy brown hair casting a shadow across one of his eyes. His expression was a combination of anger and ruin. Like there was something he should have done but didn’t. The man began to walk across the street, but was cut off by sirens wailing. I waited for the ambulance to get positioned so I could get a good look at him. This would settle things. If Sean was in my dream, there was much I needed to say to him. But that was the end. The ambulance siren turned into the alarm clock beeping loudly. I must have slept rather stiff, every inch of my right side was sore. I rolled over and glared at the alarm clock. Slamming my hand down on the button I stretched and got out of bed. Becca was awake, reading and drinking coffee. We had stayed at a little bed and breakfast, it was rather nice. Lucas knew me way too well. This had been one of the places he wrote down, we were extremely lucky they had a vacant room.
I looked through my clothes, trying to figure out what would be appropriate for legend tracking. I smiled at the thought. What an adventure for Lucas to leave for me. I grabbed a pair of jeans and a fitted, blue long sleeve shirt over a white tank top. I pulled my boots on over my jeans. I stared into the mirror, my dark wavy hair hung loosely passed my collarbone. I contemplated pulling it back or into a braid. Finally I decided to leave it like it was. I looked back at the clock, almost 6:30, Sean would already be up. Taking one more glance in the mirror, I rushed downstairs to pour some green tea into a thermos.
“Hey! You about ready?” I asked Becca who was sitting in an arm chair reading a large book.
“Yeah! Just finished looking through a travel guide and some maps.” She said setting down her coffee cup.
I thanked the owner who was making breakfast and ran out the door. Before I could make it to the curb I ran into somebody.
“Woops, sorry” I said, catching him so neither one of us fell over. He caught me more than me catching him.
“You’re clumsy aren’t you?” a familiar voice said in a laugh.
“Sean! Hi! No, not all the time, I actually have gotten clumsier here.” I straightened up as he wrapped his arm around my waist to steady me.
“I decided to go ahead and meet you here. It is better to start from here; we would be back tracking otherwise.” He was dressed in jeans and a green t-shirt today, with a gray jacket. My heart lightened as I looked into his eyes. I hadn’t felt like this for some time, and for a split second it almost hurt.
So not to hurt his feelings I pretended to need a jacket so I reached into my bag, wiggling out of his arm. Becca came outside and met us. She eyed at how close we were still standing next to each other, a grin stretching across her face. “How are we getting around today?”
“Driving, it’s a little much of a hassle to walk when you aren’t exactly certain where it is you are going. My car is parked over there, the black BMW 325i.” he pointed over to a car parked beside the curb.
“Nice!” I admitted. My truck would stand out horribly over here. I looked at the other compact cars and motorcycles zooming down the street.
“It’s small, but plenty spacious. You both all set?” he asked.
“Yep, got everything I need.” Becca said. She was simply in jeans and a hoodie. No thought went into her outfit today. Yet she pulled it off magnificently. Was I being that ridiculous?
“Yeah, I brought a journal to take some notes as we go along and a list of places that Lucas gave me,” I said patting my shoulder bag.
“Do you mind if I take a look? We may get a hint from him.” He said.
“Nope, you’ve probably been everywhere on the list.” I said pulling out my journal and opening it to take out the note. “Here”
“Well looks like you’ve knocked out a couple, including my bookstore. How long ago did he move to America?”
“Long time ago when he was really little. We were in junior high or high school when he came to Oklahoma. He came back a few years ago though, those might be places from when he revisited.” I said hoping that he actually knew Lucas.
“I might’ve seen him maybe. Hmm, hitting up a few of these places may not hurt. Especially if he’s been there before. It may be a relative or friend’s establishment.” He said handing me the piece of paper.
“He had mentioned meeting his mom’s brother while he was over here,” I added. I shoved it back into my journal in my bag. We followed him to his car. Becca slid into the backseat, I glared at her.
I had to ride shotgun, it would be rude to leave him up front like a chauffeur. I plopped abruptly into the seat and shoved the belt into place. I recognized the band on the mp3 player and smiled. He had good taste in music, was this guy for real? There were things that set him apart from Lucas definitely; he wasn’t a carbon copy of him. Which I had to admit to myself I was extremely grateful. I would probably be having a panic attack if he were any more similar. Lucas kept to the classics when it came to movies or music, sometimes allowing new instrumentals into his collection. Movies I definitely agreed with him on, but sometimes I needed some new and different music. As the acoustic guitar played softly through the car speakers I allowed myself to have a memory of Lucas. We were riding in his car, going to pick something out for the wedding. I wanted to play a CD in his car but he was arguing about how the lead singer sounded whiney.
“Whiney? He’s talking about his life, his love, how is that whiney?” I defended the artist.
“Oh come on Tristyn, you have to admit his voice is a little annoying. And it’s just one guy and a guitar.”
“That’s what makes it so great. It’s raw and real. Simplicity at its finest.” I said looking through the lyrics of the songs. I knew them by heart but it was like poetry when read from the page. That gave me an idea. I started reciting some of the lyrics to really drive my argument home.
“I see your point the lyrics aren’t bad, but his voice, come on.” He smiled, grabbing my hand to kiss it.
“Where are we going?” Becca’s voice brought me back.
“Well, I thought we would try a place that specializes in noble heritage that’s about an hour from here. A little hole in the wall but it is known for their accuracy and precision. I also happen to know the folks that run the place,” He said, the last part seemed to be some sort of joke we weren’t getting.
I put my hand to my cheek to rest it against the door panel and realized that my cheek was wet. Why was I always crying? This guy was going to think I was emotionally unstable. I breathed deeply in, steadying myself. They were not sad tears though, perhaps longing but not sad. I missed Lucas dearly right now. My gut began to hurt so I folded my arms over my stomach. He should have been here with me, but I was with Becca and Sean. Sean who tugged at forgotten part of me.
I allowed myself to get lost in the objects passing by us. I imagined for a moment that I was on my honeymoon with Lucas; that the last few months hadn’t happened. That everything was how they should’ve been. My stomach turned into a thick knot, I rested my head on the seat and closed my eyes. I tightened my arms around my stomach. All the while my head began pounding.
“How are you doing over there? You’re awfully quiet, Tristyn,” Becca said laying a hand on my shoulder.
I opened one eye and looked at her. “Didn’t sleep great last night,”
She quickly understood, she nodded and pursed her lips together. “Oh,”
“Do you need me to stop for anything? Coffee maybe,” Sean asked, smiling at me. My heart jumped at the sight of his smile.
“That sounds like an awesome idea. Aspirin wouldn’t hurt either.” I said.
“Alright, we’ll stop just around the way here.” He nodded toward the corner.
I needed to talk to Becca and wake up. It was important that I didn’t miss anything from today. I also didn’t want to miss a moment with Sean. The sun was out today, which was nice; we wouldn’t have the rain and cold to deal with. Becca and I got out to grab some coffee while Sean started talking to an old man sitting outside the shop.
“What was the dream about this time?” Becca asked while we waited.
“Lucas of course. Only, okay, please don’t think I’m completely insane.” I said. “I was in the car with Lucas after the wreck. (This sounded better rather than being in his place.) And I saw a man coming toward the car, but the sirens of the ambulance cut him off. It was weird because everything was so vivid. And I felt pain, real pain, like I had actually been in a car accident.”
Becca nodded. “That’s not too crazy Tristyn. You had ridden with Lucas in his Camaro plenty of times, and have some sort of idea what happened. I think you’re trying to piece something together, like maybe figuring out why.”
I bit my lip, keeping to myself that I swore Sean was in the dream too. I could only imagine her psycho analysis of that. We took our coffee outside. Becca walked passed Sean and towards the car. She nodded toward Sean and climbed into the car. I stopped next to Sean to wait for him to finish his conversation. He walked beside me to the car. Taking his time with each step, kicking a few rocks along the way.
“You look better, I was worried. You looked a little sick in the car.” He said, a slight shadow lined his face. This allowed the lines of his face become more defined.
“I’m fine, just memories you know. Memories of Lucas, and the realization that this was supposed to be another memory. Sorry, I’m a little lost right now.” I said taking in a breath. Again he looked helpless.
“I’m truly sorry, I wish there was something I could do to make it better, but I have no idea how you feel. I’ve never had as much as a girlfriend before so I know nothing of that sort of loss.”
I gave him a reassuring smile.
“Its fine, I think it will just take me a while to get better. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be the same ya know?
“ I know.” He said “From what I know, after a couple of days, you’re a good person. And Lucas knew this I think, he was extremely lucky to have gotten to be with you.”
“Thanks, I’m glad I got to be the one he chose.” I said.
We climbed into the car and headed onto the road. I was glad to have the strength to stay awake. Sean was great to talk to, he went on about his schooling, music he liked, books he had read, places he had been. I was fascinated to learn all that I could about him. It made me feel a little better about the feelings that were growing. He had managed quite a bit of information into an hour drive. We had to be getting close, he was now explaining his family. Becca managed to ask questions that I didn’t think of. I was very thankful that she had come along with me.
“My family is a little funny, we split into half sort of when I was real young, barely two, my dad Irish and mum was English. Don’t know much about her. My dad told me I had an older brother but he went with my mum to the states. Not too long ago she wrote me a letter letting me know she loved me and the separation was for the best. She only had my safety in mind, totally didn’t understand what she meant though. So I went to study in America, I guess hoping that I would find that long lost brother. Bet this sounds nutty huh?” he said after glancing at my face.
I shook my head; I was adopted after all and had no idea who my actual parents were. I could have a whole other family for all I knew. “I’m adopted, no clue where I come from,”
“You seem to fit in great over here. You’d be able to blend when you go to Ireland. Until you spoke that is. Oh, here we are.” He pulled into a parking lot in front of a very old looking building. Large stone steps lead up to the door.
“This is a hole in the wall?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“This is the library, the heritage place is right there.” He pointed to a smaller building beside the library. It looked like it could be a small café. Glass windows with old pictures displayed some books, and things that were supposed to look like family heirlooms.
“Oh, okay.” I nodded.
“Come on, I told them we were coming, wouldn’t want them waiting.” He walked through the door
Becca and I followed; I looked around at the buildings around us. We must have been in the heart of London. We were standing on top of a hill, The Thames river could be seen, Big Ben towering behind several buildings. I loved the smell that engulfed us as we walked through the door, coffee and some kind of bread baking. Sean was shaking hands and hugging a man behind the counter, and called to someone that must have been somewhere in the back of the store.
“This is my dad,” Sean said, motioning towards the man.
“Oh! Hello ladies! Who are these young women?” the man behind the counter came out to shake our hands too.
“I’m Tristyn,” I said smiling.
“Rebecca” Becca said grabbing the man’s hand.
“Liam, pleasure, how do you happen to know Sean?”
Before we could answer a woman’s voice traveled through the store, “Liam, who is it?”
“Sean, he’s brought some Americans with him too,” Liam shouted.
“Is that so? Splendid!” the woman’s voice sang. A short woman with blonde frizzy hair pinned back, wearing just about every color you could at once came out wiping her hands. Her green eyes were framed with smile lines.
“Hello, dears. My name is Sara.” She gave us both hugs.
“Sean! How have you been?” she embraced Sean as a mother would have.
“Good, Aunt Sarah.” Sean said, “Not much has happened since Sunday you know. Except meeting these two, the bookstore is ridiculously slow. Dad, I was wondering if you could do something for Tristyn.”
“What’s that?” he asked smiling at me.
“Well, um…” Why couldn’t I just spit the words out?
“I wanted to find some information on my late fiancé’s family. I know he is from somewhere close to here. And I think he had mentioned being noble on his mother’s side.” I said, surprised at myself.
“What’s his name?” Liam asked going over to his computer.
“Lucas Walker,” I said, I could’ve sworn Liam flinched at Lucas’s first name, and then shook it off.
“Alright, let’s see here,” he typed the name into the computer and scrolled around.
“You said Walker? Do you happen to know his mom’s name?”
“Gwen, I never met her though. She died when Lucas was about 15” I said studying his face, aware that Sean was studying mine. Becca came up and wrapped her arm around me.
“No Gwen Walker, got a father’s name?” his voice cracked in the middle.
“Are you alright Dad?” Sean asked.
“Yeah, all those years of smoking, you know?” He said, coughing loudly.
Sean raised an eyebrow and turned his head reluctantly back to me.
“No, he never talked about his dad, he stayed here when they went to the states,” as the words came out Liam excused himself and almost ran to the back. Sara was staring at me, with a soft, knowing smile. I was so confused.
“My family is going insane,” Sean said. “I’ll go see what’s up with Dad,”
“What’s wrong?” I asked Sara watching Sean walk to the back of the store.
“It’s just; I think it may be best if I just told you. They may be a while. I think the last name may be false or changed, dear.” She said pretending to read the computer.
I was trying to reason what was going on. The wrong name. We had gotten all the paper work done to get married, his name was correct. It had been Walker since I had known him, since junior high. My eyebrows pulled together as I concentrated on what Sara’s words meant. Becca spoke “False name? Like witness protection stuff?”
“Something like that,” Sara said. She came beside me and led me to a seat. “Can you tell me a little about him dear?”
I nodded as I slid into the chair.
“What did Lucas look like?” she said.
Before I knew it the words “Like Sean,” came out.
Becca’s eyes widened as looked at me, thinking about the resemblances she hadn’t noticed before. Her mouth dropped a little.
“Could you be a little more specific?” she patted my hand. She reached behind her and handed me a tissue. I hadn’t even realized there were tears on my cheek.
“Same stormy blue gray eyes, Lucas had lighter hair. Smile is the exact same though. They even kind of sound the same when they speak, except Lucas had a softer accent.”
As I described Lucas, more tears building in the corners of my eyes. I coughed and hurried to wipe them away. I began to understand that all my stupid theories had been true. My life wasn’t as mediocre as I had always though, apart from being adopted. I focused heavily on steadying my breaths. I felt Becca’s hand give mine a little squeeze. At this moment, I would have taken mediocrity.
“Could this not all be coincidence?” Becca asked, even though her voice was obviously doubtful of her own question.
“I sincerely think not dear,” Sara said. “You see a lot of things happened with nobility when the boys were young. Our family was true to what they believed, still are deep down. There was another noble family who didn’t like Liam’s grandfather, Sean. Sean was very loyal to the crown and what the crown stood for. Peace and strength for England, and to uphold this Sean was determined to protect the secret that the prince was desperately in love with an Irish princess, Ellyan.’
“The prince told Sean in confidence that he was going to fake his death, the crown would pass to his younger brother, and he would be able to go to his love. The princess in Ireland was the youngest of her siblings, being only 17; she had no desire of being in the shadows of her brothers and sister. She told her father she was going to America to study and hope to become an ambassador. The other noble family’s representation at the time, Xavier, somehow discovered the prince’s plan. When the prince faked his own death, Xavier pinned the blame on Sean. Without any kind of evidence, he was never convicted though his reputation was greatly demolished. Sean went with the prince and vowed to protect him and his love. They lived in the country in a small cottage with Sean’s family.’
“Ellyan died giving birth to her daughter, who the prince raised with the help of Sean and his wife. They lived in the cottage the daughter moved back to Ireland. When the boys were young the grandson of Ellyan and the prince, arrived with his daughter. His wife had been killed when someone had realized whose descendant he was and burned his house. He and the baby had gone into town. Liam and Gwen, who was also noble birth, told Joshua that the only way to ensure the baby’s and his own safety was to send the baby away. So they put her up for adoption in America. He still lives in a small town outside of Dublin.
‘But Liam and Gwen were reluctant to leave them all on their own, so being true to their code they decided to separate and protect each one. Liam protected Joshua, and Gwen followed the baby girl. They split the boys too, grateful they were much too young to know the truth. Well Sean was too young at least, Lucas might’ve remembered. But this is how I am amazed to actually be looking at you Tristyn. I fear that they tracked Lucas back to the states after he visited. I am so sorry for your loss, and I understand this is a lot to take in right now.”
I was completely shocked, Becca was as well. Her mouth had fallen open again. There was no way, was there. My entire life, world, existence had just been turned upside down in a matter of seconds. Was this why I was to come here? Was this why I was destined for Lucas or Sean or whoever? Sean and Liam had walked through the door while Sara was finishing the story. Sean’s eyes her completely locked on me. Liam had his hand on Sean’s shoulder.
“I-I need to go outside, with Sean please.” I said slowly getting up. Sean followed me out the door. Becca watched my face, I shook my head. I needed to speak with Sean. I felt awful, extremely nauseated and overwhelmed. I could only imagine Sean feeling the same way, also I desperately wanted him to know how great his brother was.
It had started to rain while we were inside. As we walked outside I sat down on a bench under an awning. I was lost. Sean grabbed my hand and with his other hand rubbed my shoulder. He was comforting me. His hand on mine felt right, like it was suppose to fit there. This caused the crying to worsen. Lucas’ hand felt right too. Then there was the knowledge that my father was out there somewhere, and that Sean would never know his brother. That Liam had lost his son twice. I felt everyone’s hurt at the same time.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
What to do with my life?
I am set to graduate in only a few months that I am absolute certain will fly by. So in the face of suddenly being thrown into the world of what I like to call "big girl" jobs I am on the hunt as what to do with this opportunity. I have gone to school for the past 3 and a half years striving toward a journalism degree. I love the journalism program here, it has helped a lot, and I feel with some more real life experience I will be ready for The New York Times (I'm exaggerating a little).
I know what you are thinking
"Shawndra, you'll have a college degree in journalism! Be a journalist!"
That is the obvious solution to the current predicament I find myself waist deep in. There are a few set backs though.
1. Not a lot of work outside of sports, for journalists in Oklahoma (I would like to focus more on the arts and literature)
2. Doing hard news is a little intimidating for me, we don't get a lot of breaking news at UCO
3. Its not where my heart is.
I love to write, I could write everyday of my life and be happy. In fact I do. But I love writing fiction. Not a lot of call for fiction in the world of news.
So I thought hey book editor, too bad I didn't go to school for that. Then I thought hey novelist. Doesn't pay the bills right away. So hopefully, I will have a huge epiphany before May 8 (mark your calendars friends). Then I will be diving head first into the world of whatever it is I will be doing.
I know what you are thinking
"Shawndra, you'll have a college degree in journalism! Be a journalist!"
That is the obvious solution to the current predicament I find myself waist deep in. There are a few set backs though.
1. Not a lot of work outside of sports, for journalists in Oklahoma (I would like to focus more on the arts and literature)
2. Doing hard news is a little intimidating for me, we don't get a lot of breaking news at UCO
3. Its not where my heart is.
I love to write, I could write everyday of my life and be happy. In fact I do. But I love writing fiction. Not a lot of call for fiction in the world of news.
So I thought hey book editor, too bad I didn't go to school for that. Then I thought hey novelist. Doesn't pay the bills right away. So hopefully, I will have a huge epiphany before May 8 (mark your calendars friends). Then I will be diving head first into the world of whatever it is I will be doing.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
My Mountain
Here is another Creative Writing assignment
My mountain smiles at me, the grey is inviting
The snow, the rain, the clouds, I love it all
The grey is inviting
My shivers are a comfort
With these come peace
The cold is a blanket of solitude
The dark green against the white snow
My mountain allows me to be free
There is no better place I know
Society is far away
I stand high above the world
I know the mountain will let me stay
I breathe in the crisp, clean air
Engulfed by nature completely
Contentment so deep, that no Oklahoma wind can tear
No worries, no schedules, or places to be
My mountain can stop time
I can take in all that I see
Evergreens blow their aroma to my door
A lovely empty quiet allows me to breathe
Life can’t weigh me down anymore
I travel to the mountains
The grey is inviting
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Out of the Dark by Shawndra Roberts
Here are the first few paragraphs of what is going on in my mind... hope you like it!
Light is used to mean so many different things. Sometimes it means reasoning, such as the age of enlightenment. It can mean the illumination of an area created by electricity or other various chemicals. Light is also used in the illustration of good in contrast to evil. Light represents something that is pure and causes a person to realize what is right. So if light is good, and right, dark must be what is evil. I use to like the dark. It was calming for me, an escape from all the things I could see. The horrible things that occurred around me from day to day would be wiped away when I went into my unlit room. It wasn’t until later that I experienced just what darkness truly meant. The inner darkness that happens when you have decided to turn away from all light, all things sane.
I had always felt like I had been called to leave home. To get away from the safe and known atmosphere that I had grow up in. I grew up in a small southern town. No one really needs to know the name; the majority of them have the same anatomy. I went to high school, stayed involved, had friends, went to church. A typical life of anyone growing up in my town. Never truly feeling like I belonged, I tried a lot of things to make that feeling go away. Spent an insane amount of time doing things. I joined every club possible, went to every church activity on the calendar, and in the spare time I did have I was with friends. Being alone was never good. The tugging feeling would appear in my stomach. Pulling me away from the normalcy of that little town. It still tugs every once in while when I let it. Suppressing what I was supposed to be doing proved to be ridiculously exhausting.
I don’t know if you have ever felt that way. Felt like you were meant for so much more than what society expects of us.
Light is used to mean so many different things. Sometimes it means reasoning, such as the age of enlightenment. It can mean the illumination of an area created by electricity or other various chemicals. Light is also used in the illustration of good in contrast to evil. Light represents something that is pure and causes a person to realize what is right. So if light is good, and right, dark must be what is evil. I use to like the dark. It was calming for me, an escape from all the things I could see. The horrible things that occurred around me from day to day would be wiped away when I went into my unlit room. It wasn’t until later that I experienced just what darkness truly meant. The inner darkness that happens when you have decided to turn away from all light, all things sane.
I had always felt like I had been called to leave home. To get away from the safe and known atmosphere that I had grow up in. I grew up in a small southern town. No one really needs to know the name; the majority of them have the same anatomy. I went to high school, stayed involved, had friends, went to church. A typical life of anyone growing up in my town. Never truly feeling like I belonged, I tried a lot of things to make that feeling go away. Spent an insane amount of time doing things. I joined every club possible, went to every church activity on the calendar, and in the spare time I did have I was with friends. Being alone was never good. The tugging feeling would appear in my stomach. Pulling me away from the normalcy of that little town. It still tugs every once in while when I let it. Suppressing what I was supposed to be doing proved to be ridiculously exhausting.
I don’t know if you have ever felt that way. Felt like you were meant for so much more than what society expects of us.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Ophelia's View
An assignment from my creative writing class... still needs some work.
Princes are often portrayed to be quite charming, brave, and overall wonderful. Their princesses just have to sit around, singing stupid songs, waiting for their knights to save them. Well, I would like to say that not all princes are like this, the one in my story in particular.
Maybe Denmark is defective when it comes to royalty. Juliet gets Romeo, who dies for her, but then again she offs herself so that is probably a bad example. Viola just has to cross dress for a while and the Duke practically throws himself at her after she reveals that she is indeed a woman. No hard feelings at all for the deception. Even Katherina, a complete shrew, gets a somewhat normal man to go for her. And all the fairy tales where every cookie cutter prince comes riding in to sweep these lazy women off their feet. No one shuns their girlfriends in Disney.
Whom am I left with? Hamlet. He was great at first, not a bad looking person, definitely intelligent. He is always talking to his father, which would not be a bad thing if his father were alive. Dysfunctional does not even begin to cover that family. Hamlet really has some mother issues as well. He spends an awful lot of time with her, a little obsessive I would think. Considering she married his uncle.
I was head over heels for that boy. My father and brother tried to get me to see clearly but love does silly things to women. I was sitting in my room one day and here comes Hamlet, his clothes in complete disarray; he would not even speak to me. He just kept nodding a bewildered look upon his face.
All the princesses get to be lovely and soft spoken. Technically I am not a princess but I should get better than the reputation I have been dealt. I am written as crazy. They do not even tell my side of the story. That Hamlet just goes off on this rant, telling me to go to a nunnery. That would upset anyone. To hear their once future husband telling you to give up on men! Just completely blow me off, because a ghost tells him to avenge his death. I got labeled crazy. How ridiculous! You would get a little mad.
Then he became hell bent to kill everyone in sight, including my father. He just stabs whoever is hiding behind the curtains, does not even bother to ask. It is his uncle who he wants to kill, but he is more of the kill first, question later type. This is the time I chose to take things into my own hands.
During their little play, to which I was not even asked to come, I decided to make an appearance anyway. I grabbed as many flowers out of Queen Gertrude’s herb garden as I could, including rue which is highly poisonous. I held some rue for myself, and then I was to pass out the flowers. However, not before I placed ground arsenic in the pollen of course, with just a hint of anthrax. Where did I get anthrax? That information isn’t necessary. I went to each person, claiming how each flower was a symbol. Explaining the symbol then I waited. Watching them breathe the flowers. I smiled, but then my smile faded as I realized Hamlet was not there. I watched one by one as the royal family, their guards, and my brother collapsed dead. Frustrated I went out to look for Hamlet. I decided to climb into a willow, so to get a better look at the grounds.
I was not aware that this willow was right above a brook, that was rather shallow. I caught site of Hamlet in the grave yard, I took a single step to far and the branch broke. Causing me to fall into the brook, killing me as I struck the rocks below.
After my death, Hamlet claimed to love my four thousand times that of a brother. I think he is slightly more attuned to the dead than the living. Which is fitting, he did not live much longer after me.
Princes are often portrayed to be quite charming, brave, and overall wonderful. Their princesses just have to sit around, singing stupid songs, waiting for their knights to save them. Well, I would like to say that not all princes are like this, the one in my story in particular.
Maybe Denmark is defective when it comes to royalty. Juliet gets Romeo, who dies for her, but then again she offs herself so that is probably a bad example. Viola just has to cross dress for a while and the Duke practically throws himself at her after she reveals that she is indeed a woman. No hard feelings at all for the deception. Even Katherina, a complete shrew, gets a somewhat normal man to go for her. And all the fairy tales where every cookie cutter prince comes riding in to sweep these lazy women off their feet. No one shuns their girlfriends in Disney.
Whom am I left with? Hamlet. He was great at first, not a bad looking person, definitely intelligent. He is always talking to his father, which would not be a bad thing if his father were alive. Dysfunctional does not even begin to cover that family. Hamlet really has some mother issues as well. He spends an awful lot of time with her, a little obsessive I would think. Considering she married his uncle.
I was head over heels for that boy. My father and brother tried to get me to see clearly but love does silly things to women. I was sitting in my room one day and here comes Hamlet, his clothes in complete disarray; he would not even speak to me. He just kept nodding a bewildered look upon his face.
All the princesses get to be lovely and soft spoken. Technically I am not a princess but I should get better than the reputation I have been dealt. I am written as crazy. They do not even tell my side of the story. That Hamlet just goes off on this rant, telling me to go to a nunnery. That would upset anyone. To hear their once future husband telling you to give up on men! Just completely blow me off, because a ghost tells him to avenge his death. I got labeled crazy. How ridiculous! You would get a little mad.
Then he became hell bent to kill everyone in sight, including my father. He just stabs whoever is hiding behind the curtains, does not even bother to ask. It is his uncle who he wants to kill, but he is more of the kill first, question later type. This is the time I chose to take things into my own hands.
During their little play, to which I was not even asked to come, I decided to make an appearance anyway. I grabbed as many flowers out of Queen Gertrude’s herb garden as I could, including rue which is highly poisonous. I held some rue for myself, and then I was to pass out the flowers. However, not before I placed ground arsenic in the pollen of course, with just a hint of anthrax. Where did I get anthrax? That information isn’t necessary. I went to each person, claiming how each flower was a symbol. Explaining the symbol then I waited. Watching them breathe the flowers. I smiled, but then my smile faded as I realized Hamlet was not there. I watched one by one as the royal family, their guards, and my brother collapsed dead. Frustrated I went out to look for Hamlet. I decided to climb into a willow, so to get a better look at the grounds.
I was not aware that this willow was right above a brook, that was rather shallow. I caught site of Hamlet in the grave yard, I took a single step to far and the branch broke. Causing me to fall into the brook, killing me as I struck the rocks below.
After my death, Hamlet claimed to love my four thousand times that of a brother. I think he is slightly more attuned to the dead than the living. Which is fitting, he did not live much longer after me.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Plans for Life
East Coast life seems to be calling my name! Okay so I have narrowed it down to two ideal jobs.
1) Working on tv for the travel channel
2) Writer/review columnist for the NY Times.
Both would allow for tons of travel and opportunity, and Elizabeth would be a home schooled, genius child with the world as her playground. I know I have raved about wanting to live in Colorado, and that place still has my heart on a very strong piece of rope, but there is so much more I would love to see. I am only 21 (22 very soon), so I have plenty of time to do all of this in. So why not dream!?
That is how things happen. How paintings are created. Novels are formed. Even countries found. Dreaming is the best thing a person can do, the only step is to push that dream into action! So let's see where this dream takes me (and Clifton, and Elizabeth).
1) Working on tv for the travel channel
2) Writer/review columnist for the NY Times.
Both would allow for tons of travel and opportunity, and Elizabeth would be a home schooled, genius child with the world as her playground. I know I have raved about wanting to live in Colorado, and that place still has my heart on a very strong piece of rope, but there is so much more I would love to see. I am only 21 (22 very soon), so I have plenty of time to do all of this in. So why not dream!?
That is how things happen. How paintings are created. Novels are formed. Even countries found. Dreaming is the best thing a person can do, the only step is to push that dream into action! So let's see where this dream takes me (and Clifton, and Elizabeth).
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
My Weight Loss Journey: 15 Stubborn Pounds To Go
17 months from the day I brought my daughter into the world I am still not where I thought I would be. After running, Zumba, going to all natural foods, and cutting out sugar I am still 15 pounds away from my pre pregnancy weight.
In high school I was in every sport I could manage. I was working out as much as possible, as hard as possible. I also had a coach telling me how to work out and what to do to get into shape.
Now I haven’t been as consistent as I would like. But life kind of gets in the way. Staying up all night with Elizabeth, going to school, working, and squeezing in time with the hubby often push aside any desire to hit the gym. Now there are hours in the day where I could drag my self there but the few precious moments I have of quiet are all too tempting.
I interviewed the Marketing manager for the Wellness Center at my school, he told me that one major factor in working out is motivation. Motivation to get yourself to a gym at 5 am. I always feel amazing the rest of the day after I have worked out, but its reminding myself of this as my alarm clock is buzzing.
It is time to get my butt in gear. I have purposefully cut out times in my day where I will be baby/school/hubby free so that I HAVE to go work out. Also I have the motivation of showing my daughter a healthy example. I will track my progress, as well as log the hours and routines I will be doing. I will also log what I ate that day.
Prayers needed!!! : )
In high school I was in every sport I could manage. I was working out as much as possible, as hard as possible. I also had a coach telling me how to work out and what to do to get into shape.
Now I haven’t been as consistent as I would like. But life kind of gets in the way. Staying up all night with Elizabeth, going to school, working, and squeezing in time with the hubby often push aside any desire to hit the gym. Now there are hours in the day where I could drag my self there but the few precious moments I have of quiet are all too tempting.
I interviewed the Marketing manager for the Wellness Center at my school, he told me that one major factor in working out is motivation. Motivation to get yourself to a gym at 5 am. I always feel amazing the rest of the day after I have worked out, but its reminding myself of this as my alarm clock is buzzing.
It is time to get my butt in gear. I have purposefully cut out times in my day where I will be baby/school/hubby free so that I HAVE to go work out. Also I have the motivation of showing my daughter a healthy example. I will track my progress, as well as log the hours and routines I will be doing. I will also log what I ate that day.
Prayers needed!!! : )
Thursday, April 29, 2010
The Death of Chivalry
I find it extremely ironic that I post this onto a blog, although its original was actually on a piece of paper. Outdated concept I know. I fear that this world has indeed been drained of the virtuous ideals that were once common practice. Being a hopeless idealistic person, I would like to believe that somewhere, someone would reinstate the noble lifestyle. One might think I am speaking of knights and ancient kings. This is where the thought began, but as it developed I realized that no honor can be found anywhere. Face to face conversation is rare, integrity a lofty hope, romanticism diminished into the ridiculous process of online dating. It is painful to me to witness what this technology dependent world has come to. Manners are a special treat when practiced. A female being treated like a lady without some preconceived intentions is almost unheard of. So, why is it that I mourn this most tragic event? Is it because I have to escape to hundred year old literary pieces to cling to any knowledge that dignity did exist at one point? I mourn this loss because I believe it is disheartening to picture a world where courtship is no more than an e-mail or message over the wires of an invented machine. A world that no longer knows the meaning of valor. Where Shakespeare is something shoved down the throats of junior high students who have yet to harness their own emotions, let alone be able to delve into the thoughts of a poet who lived centuries before them. This world has slaughtered chivalry. This internet based, i-addicted world that is so bent on instant gratification it no longer can experience the satisfaction of patience, inner peace, and stillness.
My heart breaks for future generations that will never see what they are capable of. Human nature is no longer that of conscience decisions. Our public figures look at love as a fleeting emotion to be dispensed on whomever walks by that they feel infatuated with. Then when faced with accountability write it off as an addiction. I may have pre-tech values, but they are values that have withstood war and famine and plagues. Values that have been rebirthed in books, plays, and movies for generations. Have people become so petty to ignore basic principles of which so many have been decorated for? Chivalry and chivalrous actions cannot be buried thus forgotten. Sometimes it takes realizing what a great loss we would be suffering if we allowed such a monstrosity to happen. Look at the world as it turns into grey before you. Is this the sadness that is to overtake mankind? I truly hope not.
My heart breaks for future generations that will never see what they are capable of. Human nature is no longer that of conscience decisions. Our public figures look at love as a fleeting emotion to be dispensed on whomever walks by that they feel infatuated with. Then when faced with accountability write it off as an addiction. I may have pre-tech values, but they are values that have withstood war and famine and plagues. Values that have been rebirthed in books, plays, and movies for generations. Have people become so petty to ignore basic principles of which so many have been decorated for? Chivalry and chivalrous actions cannot be buried thus forgotten. Sometimes it takes realizing what a great loss we would be suffering if we allowed such a monstrosity to happen. Look at the world as it turns into grey before you. Is this the sadness that is to overtake mankind? I truly hope not.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Gotta Love Fiction
Fiction is always more fun to write. True life stuff can be very depressing sometimes, and you have no control on how the story is going to go. And nothing super crazy, like time travel, ever happens in real life either. I am going to school to be a journalist, and I can see the dreary ins and outs of non fiction tragedy wear on people. Fiction is a good escape, a way to write something that won't end in a arrest or someone being buried because of someone else's problems. Biographies and real stories are good too, its always a plus to be well read on history and people who actually existed. Fiction can also give us an idea on how things should be, the virtuous and noble protaganists facing problems the way we should.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
My First Mother's Day
This upcoming Sunday will be my first Mother's day as a mom! I am very excited about it and couldn't be more in love with my little girl! This Sunday though has significance in more than one aspect though, it is also the day that we are dedicating Elizabeth to God. I want her to live a life that is not only fulfilled and happy, but glorifying to God. I cannot wait until the day that she comes to me with questions about Jesus and how He loved her so much that He died for her. Having a child makes this impact in a different way than it use to. I love God, and even though I have made my fair share of stupid mistakes and sins, He still loves me. He looks at me through the blood that Jesus spilled and sees His perfect little girl. That is exactly how I see Elizabeth Grace. And I know that no matter what she does as she gets older I will always love her, there is nothing she could do to make me stop loving her. The day that she discovers that she is loved by a beautiful Lord and Saviour will be the greatest day!
My prayer for her is that she lives a life that is full of love. That she will become a young woman of God, living each day for Him. I know that I have failed many times in this aspect, and being human she will too, but I also pray that she knows that she is loved, and that no mistake is too big to make God not love her.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
"Drowning on Dry Land"
Have you ever been swimming in the deep end of a pool, or a lake and everything is going good, you decide to go under. But all of a sudden something strange happens, you become disoriented, forgetting which way is the way you should swim to safety. You're caught in a whirlwind of confusion, can't figure which way is up. Against you're better knowledge, you begin to somewhat panic, trying to swim, but you feel as if you're going in circles. Swimming one way, you try to reach the surface but feel as if its getting further away rather than closer. Sometimes my feelings get that way. I know better, I have no idea why I've all of a sudden become confused and dsitraught but I do. I get dragged down in over my head, and the water is freezing, dark. I reach up for someone to pull me up, but the finger tips are just out of my reach. I'm losing air, and I know I'm losing air. But I know better, I know how to swim, I know how to get myself out of this, but time and time again I become engulfed in waves of some sort of sadness that slowly creeps its way in. Unlike a tide which has cycles you can predict, this tempest comes when I least expect it, and the most unlikely times to come. Why do I let myself get like this? And then the thought crosses my mind, maybe its time to give up. I've been fighting it for such a long time, its so tiring. Maybe I should give in to its fight. It would be easier than pushing myself to the surface for countless times just to be pulled back under. I just get so lossed in it's depth and darkening abyss, its easy to quit.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Praises
Sometimes I go through life so fast, and so distracted that I forget to look around see what I have truly been blessed with. I have been praying lately for God to show me something, to allow me to see what it is that I am failing at. Another thing I have been praying about is that God would give me strength to fight the sin that lives within me... a scary thing I know! That last part is credited to some mentors of mine.In my prayer time, I have felt like God has been a little silent, that He is choosing other ways to reply.
Answered Prayer #1: I received an e-mail from Courtney Ballard who works for id Ministries, which is driven toward teenage girls. This is something that has been on my heart for a very long time! Patience and perserverence does pay off!
Answered Prayer #2: My family is wonderful! I have been blessed with a Godly household and have never known a day without love.
Answered Prayer #3: God has been allowing me to see just how blessed I am, sometimes I forget that. He manages to show me something everyday about my life that is absolutely fantastic and God sent! God is also teaching me how to be content with the way things are, and with His plan no matter what.
Prayers in Process: The church! It needs strong prayer from everyone! We are about to go through some serious changes and making some major decisions. God is allowing me to see within myself some things I have run from, some things that I know He has specifically told me to do but I have just found reason after reason not to. Missions is one that has been on my mind most recent.
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I know God has a plan, and I know that its going to take me somewhere that I had never expected. There are going to be trials, but the Bible says I should take joy in suffering. Not going to be easy, but with God all things are possible.
Answered Prayer #1: I received an e-mail from Courtney Ballard who works for id Ministries, which is driven toward teenage girls. This is something that has been on my heart for a very long time! Patience and perserverence does pay off!
Answered Prayer #2: My family is wonderful! I have been blessed with a Godly household and have never known a day without love.
Answered Prayer #3: God has been allowing me to see just how blessed I am, sometimes I forget that. He manages to show me something everyday about my life that is absolutely fantastic and God sent! God is also teaching me how to be content with the way things are, and with His plan no matter what.
Prayers in Process: The church! It needs strong prayer from everyone! We are about to go through some serious changes and making some major decisions. God is allowing me to see within myself some things I have run from, some things that I know He has specifically told me to do but I have just found reason after reason not to. Missions is one that has been on my mind most recent.
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I know God has a plan, and I know that its going to take me somewhere that I had never expected. There are going to be trials, but the Bible says I should take joy in suffering. Not going to be easy, but with God all things are possible.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
A New Year...
Oh how happy I am today! A new year, and away with the last one! It wasn't exactly how I planned it to go, but thank God that things don't really ever go the way I plan them. I went through the things I did because I kind of brought them on myself in a way. I didn't seek God's counsel before making a pretty important decision. I didn't listen to those around me telling me certain things. But now I have learned, I have experiences that God will use to glorify His kingdom. I have also learned so much within the last 5 days that I do not know how to begin to use all of which was driven in to my mind.
Usually what people do is to recap things which have happened through out the year, good, bad, joyous, saddening, whichever. It has taken me a very long time to finally get to the point where I am no longer upset and extremely angry with things that have happened at the beginning of 2007, which turned into a world of hurt in the fall. I spent most of the summer trying to run away and avoid the problems and what God was really trying to tell me to do. Don't get me wrong, I loved working at Falls Creek, but over the time at Falls Creek I was away for such a long time that I just shoved feelings back, feelings that probably should've been dealt with a long time ago. Alot of bitterness, more towards myself, and hurt, and just being mad at myself for various reasons when I knew very well that God had forgiven me for those sins. This recently has made me think how selfish and horrible that was. I thought that my forgiveness was more needed than God's, (BIG WRONG). I really want to thank those people who have helped me through a couple of very very tough years. I have been discipled by terrific women of God, Tracy and Julie have been big mentors in my life. Bobby and Julie Cates have done more than I could ever express, and I know God is going to do tremendous things with their ministry. My family has been more than understanding, I am blessed beyond measure! I am finally realizing that if God chooses for me to never get married, or to meet someone and be married within the next two years it makes no difference. Because the only relationship I should be seeking and trying to make grow is the one I have through Jesus Christ. Its amazing what surrounding yourself with the right people can do. I also am becoming to terms with the fact that I am never going to be what is considered "successful" according to the world's standards. In the first chapter of 1 Corinthians Paul addresses that even the greatest of wisdom and strength in the world is considered all for nothing. And that God had chosen those of low estate to do His greatest of works. Alot of changes have happened over the past year, I have grown in many different ways, especially spiritually and emotionally. And those people who God has placed in my life have been there through it all, God is accredited to every single thing that has ever taken place in my life that will one day benefit His kingdom! 2007 will definitely be a year to remember, but for the reasons of using it to glorify my Lord and Savior.
Usually what people do is to recap things which have happened through out the year, good, bad, joyous, saddening, whichever. It has taken me a very long time to finally get to the point where I am no longer upset and extremely angry with things that have happened at the beginning of 2007, which turned into a world of hurt in the fall. I spent most of the summer trying to run away and avoid the problems and what God was really trying to tell me to do. Don't get me wrong, I loved working at Falls Creek, but over the time at Falls Creek I was away for such a long time that I just shoved feelings back, feelings that probably should've been dealt with a long time ago. Alot of bitterness, more towards myself, and hurt, and just being mad at myself for various reasons when I knew very well that God had forgiven me for those sins. This recently has made me think how selfish and horrible that was. I thought that my forgiveness was more needed than God's, (BIG WRONG). I really want to thank those people who have helped me through a couple of very very tough years. I have been discipled by terrific women of God, Tracy and Julie have been big mentors in my life. Bobby and Julie Cates have done more than I could ever express, and I know God is going to do tremendous things with their ministry. My family has been more than understanding, I am blessed beyond measure! I am finally realizing that if God chooses for me to never get married, or to meet someone and be married within the next two years it makes no difference. Because the only relationship I should be seeking and trying to make grow is the one I have through Jesus Christ. Its amazing what surrounding yourself with the right people can do. I also am becoming to terms with the fact that I am never going to be what is considered "successful" according to the world's standards. In the first chapter of 1 Corinthians Paul addresses that even the greatest of wisdom and strength in the world is considered all for nothing. And that God had chosen those of low estate to do His greatest of works. Alot of changes have happened over the past year, I have grown in many different ways, especially spiritually and emotionally. And those people who God has placed in my life have been there through it all, God is accredited to every single thing that has ever taken place in my life that will one day benefit His kingdom! 2007 will definitely be a year to remember, but for the reasons of using it to glorify my Lord and Savior.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Titus 3:4-7
4But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, 5he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, 6whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, 7so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Being a writer... I love it!
The best thing about being a writer, is I can express things with undermeaning, that is just the style I prefer. I would rather write a piece which has a depth, and requires complex analyzing from the reader rather than bluntly write everything out in simplest form keeping it to five letter words. The way I like to write also provides the reader an opportunity to interpret things into his/her own way, now there is a meaning that I would like to get across, but sometimes people need a certain message on a particular day. But if one were to ask me what I meant when writing something I would tell you. If you know me well enough however, it becomes pretty obvious what I mean or what I was feeling at that specific time in my life.
There’s a space
You can have
When you want me to fill it
If you’ll have me
I’ll take you back
I promise I won’t kill it
I know I’ve changed
This you can see
But there’s too much scar tissue
From all before
When I was complicated
But now I’d really wish you…
The best, I do
It’s hard to say
Because my best is to have you with me
I’m in a box
In a stadium
And only you can let me out
My feelings suppressed
But it’s all for you
So that there’s no doubt
Part of how I can change
Is limiting myself
To give you all you want
Then maybe someday
You’ll truly see
I can give you all I’ve got
There’s a space
You can have
When you want me to fill it
If you’ll have me
I’ll take you back
I promise I won’t kill it
I know I’ve changed
This you can see
But there’s too much scar tissue
From all before
When I was complicated
But now I’d really wish you…
The best, I do
It’s hard to say
Because my best is to have you with me
I’m in a box
In a stadium
And only you can let me out
My feelings suppressed
But it’s all for you
So that there’s no doubt
Part of how I can change
Is limiting myself
To give you all you want
Then maybe someday
You’ll truly see
I can give you all I’ve got
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