"Drowning on Dry Land"

Have you ever been swimming in the deep end of a pool, or a lake and everything is going good, you decide to go under. But all of a sudden something strange happens, you become disoriented, forgetting which way is the way you should swim to safety. You're caught in a whirlwind of confusion, can't figure which way is up. Against you're better knowledge, you begin to somewhat panic, trying to swim, but you feel as if you're going in circles. Swimming one way, you try to reach the surface but feel as if its getting further away rather than closer. Sometimes my feelings get that way. I know better, I have no idea why I've all of a sudden become confused and dsitraught but I do. I get dragged down in over my head, and the water is freezing, dark. I reach up for someone to pull me up, but the finger tips are just out of my reach. I'm losing air, and I know I'm losing air. But I know better, I know how to swim, I know how to get myself out of this, but time and time again I become engulfed in waves of some sort of sadness that slowly creeps its way in. Unlike a tide which has cycles you can predict, this tempest comes when I least expect it, and the most unlikely times to come. Why do I let myself get like this? And then the thought crosses my mind, maybe its time to give up. I've been fighting it for such a long time, its so tiring. Maybe I should give in to its fight. It would be easier than pushing myself to the surface for countless times just to be pulled back under. I just get so lossed in it's depth and darkening abyss, its easy to quit.

Praises

Sometimes I go through life so fast, and so distracted that I forget to look around see what I have truly been blessed with. I have been praying lately for God to show me something, to allow me to see what it is that I am failing at. Another thing I have been praying about is that God would give me strength to fight the sin that lives within me... a scary thing I know! That last part is credited to some mentors of mine.In my prayer time, I have felt like God has been a little silent, that He is choosing other ways to reply.

Answered Prayer #1: I received an e-mail from Courtney Ballard who works for id Ministries, which is driven toward teenage girls. This is something that has been on my heart for a very long time! Patience and perserverence does pay off!

Answered Prayer #2: My family is wonderful! I have been blessed with a Godly household and have never known a day without love.

Answered Prayer #3: God has been allowing me to see just how blessed I am, sometimes I forget that. He manages to show me something everyday about my life that is absolutely fantastic and God sent! God is also teaching me how to be content with the way things are, and with His plan no matter what.

Prayers in Process: The church! It needs strong prayer from everyone! We are about to go through some serious changes and making some major decisions. God is allowing me to see within myself some things I have run from, some things that I know He has specifically told me to do but I have just found reason after reason not to. Missions is one that has been on my mind most recent.
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I know God has a plan, and I know that its going to take me somewhere that I had never expected. There are going to be trials, but the Bible says I should take joy in suffering. Not going to be easy, but with God all things are possible.

A New Year...

Oh how happy I am today! A new year, and away with the last one! It wasn't exactly how I planned it to go, but thank God that things don't really ever go the way I plan them. I went through the things I did because I kind of brought them on myself in a way. I didn't seek God's counsel before making a pretty important decision. I didn't listen to those around me telling me certain things. But now I have learned, I have experiences that God will use to glorify His kingdom. I have also learned so much within the last 5 days that I do not know how to begin to use all of which was driven in to my mind.
Usually what people do is to recap things which have happened through out the year, good, bad, joyous, saddening, whichever. It has taken me a very long time to finally get to the point where I am no longer upset and extremely angry with things that have happened at the beginning of 2007, which turned into a world of hurt in the fall. I spent most of the summer trying to run away and avoid the problems and what God was really trying to tell me to do. Don't get me wrong, I loved working at Falls Creek, but over the time at Falls Creek I was away for such a long time that I just shoved feelings back, feelings that probably should've been dealt with a long time ago. Alot of bitterness, more towards myself, and hurt, and just being mad at myself for various reasons when I knew very well that God had forgiven me for those sins. This recently has made me think how selfish and horrible that was. I thought that my forgiveness was more needed than God's, (BIG WRONG). I really want to thank those people who have helped me through a couple of very very tough years. I have been discipled by terrific women of God, Tracy and Julie have been big mentors in my life. Bobby and Julie Cates have done more than I could ever express, and I know God is going to do tremendous things with their ministry. My family has been more than understanding, I am blessed beyond measure! I am finally realizing that if God chooses for me to never get married, or to meet someone and be married within the next two years it makes no difference. Because the only relationship I should be seeking and trying to make grow is the one I have through Jesus Christ. Its amazing what surrounding yourself with the right people can do. I also am becoming to terms with the fact that I am never going to be what is considered "successful" according to the world's standards. In the first chapter of 1 Corinthians Paul addresses that even the greatest of wisdom and strength in the world is considered all for nothing. And that God had chosen those of low estate to do His greatest of works. Alot of changes have happened over the past year, I have grown in many different ways, especially spiritually and emotionally. And those people who God has placed in my life have been there through it all, God is accredited to every single thing that has ever taken place in my life that will one day benefit His kingdom! 2007 will definitely be a year to remember, but for the reasons of using it to glorify my Lord and Savior.