How to start a year?

How should I start this year?
With a new outlook on life?
Making promises to myself to lose something?

I have decided this is my year to be me.
Nothing that I believe to be the standards of others.
This will be the year I start chasing my dreams with exuberant passion
I refuse to be talked down by others and myself

With that said, here is a taste of what is to come...

I took a shower hoping to relax my nerves. It was no use, but it managed to ease my tensed muscles. I had to take a Benadryl to sleep, I was much too anxious to achieve that on my own. With the aid of allergy medicine, the dreams returned. I was back in the Camaro, staring at the man across the street. Staring as well as I could, he was located in an area that forced me to almost turn completely around. He moved around to the front of the Impala. I wanted to say something to him, to make him come closer. I couldn’t find my voice, or bring myself to open my mouth in fear I would scream. I felt the warm tears stream my face again, and felt a thick, warm liquid trickle down my left cheek. I was also aware of it going down my left arm.

The man continued to look at me, his messy brown hair casting a shadow across one of his eyes. His expression was a combination of anger and ruin. Like there was something he should have done but didn’t. The man began to walk across the street, but was cut off by sirens wailing. I waited for the ambulance to get positioned so I could get a good look at him. This would settle things. If Sean was in my dream, there was much I needed to say to him. But that was the end. The ambulance siren turned into the alarm clock beeping loudly. I must have slept rather stiff, every inch of my right side was sore. I rolled over and glared at the alarm clock. Slamming my hand down on the button I stretched and got out of bed. Becca was awake, reading and drinking coffee. We had stayed at a little bed and breakfast, it was rather nice. Lucas knew me way too well. This had been one of the places he wrote down, we were extremely lucky they had a vacant room.

I looked through my clothes, trying to figure out what would be appropriate for legend tracking. I smiled at the thought. What an adventure for Lucas to leave for me. I grabbed a pair of jeans and a fitted, blue long sleeve shirt over a white tank top. I pulled my boots on over my jeans. I stared into the mirror, my dark wavy hair hung loosely passed my collarbone. I contemplated pulling it back or into a braid. Finally I decided to leave it like it was. I looked back at the clock, almost 6:30, Sean would already be up. Taking one more glance in the mirror, I rushed downstairs to pour some green tea into a thermos.

“Hey! You about ready?” I asked Becca who was sitting in an arm chair reading a large book.
“Yeah! Just finished looking through a travel guide and some maps.” She said setting down her coffee cup.

I thanked the owner who was making breakfast and ran out the door. Before I could make it to the curb I ran into somebody.


“Woops, sorry” I said, catching him so neither one of us fell over. He caught me more than me catching him.

“You’re clumsy aren’t you?” a familiar voice said in a laugh.

“Sean! Hi! No, not all the time, I actually have gotten clumsier here.” I straightened up as he wrapped his arm around my waist to steady me.

“I decided to go ahead and meet you here. It is better to start from here; we would be back tracking otherwise.” He was dressed in jeans and a green t-shirt today, with a gray jacket. My heart lightened as I looked into his eyes. I hadn’t felt like this for some time, and for a split second it almost hurt.

So not to hurt his feelings I pretended to need a jacket so I reached into my bag, wiggling out of his arm. Becca came outside and met us. She eyed at how close we were still standing next to each other, a grin stretching across her face. “How are we getting around today?”

“Driving, it’s a little much of a hassle to walk when you aren’t exactly certain where it is you are going. My car is parked over there, the black BMW 325i.” he pointed over to a car parked beside the curb.

“Nice!” I admitted. My truck would stand out horribly over here. I looked at the other compact cars and motorcycles zooming down the street.

“It’s small, but plenty spacious. You both all set?” he asked.

“Yep, got everything I need.” Becca said. She was simply in jeans and a hoodie. No thought went into her outfit today. Yet she pulled it off magnificently. Was I being that ridiculous?

“Yeah, I brought a journal to take some notes as we go along and a list of places that Lucas gave me,” I said patting my shoulder bag.

“Do you mind if I take a look? We may get a hint from him.” He said.

“Nope, you’ve probably been everywhere on the list.” I said pulling out my journal and opening it to take out the note. “Here”

“Well looks like you’ve knocked out a couple, including my bookstore. How long ago did he move to America?”

“Long time ago when he was really little. We were in junior high or high school when he came to Oklahoma. He came back a few years ago though, those might be places from when he revisited.” I said hoping that he actually knew Lucas.

“I might’ve seen him maybe. Hmm, hitting up a few of these places may not hurt. Especially if he’s been there before. It may be a relative or friend’s establishment.” He said handing me the piece of paper.

“He had mentioned meeting his mom’s brother while he was over here,” I added. I shoved it back into my journal in my bag. We followed him to his car. Becca slid into the backseat, I glared at her.

I had to ride shotgun, it would be rude to leave him up front like a chauffeur. I plopped abruptly into the seat and shoved the belt into place. I recognized the band on the mp3 player and smiled. He had good taste in music, was this guy for real? There were things that set him apart from Lucas definitely; he wasn’t a carbon copy of him. Which I had to admit to myself I was extremely grateful. I would probably be having a panic attack if he were any more similar. Lucas kept to the classics when it came to movies or music, sometimes allowing new instrumentals into his collection. Movies I definitely agreed with him on, but sometimes I needed some new and different music. As the acoustic guitar played softly through the car speakers I allowed myself to have a memory of Lucas. We were riding in his car, going to pick something out for the wedding. I wanted to play a CD in his car but he was arguing about how the lead singer sounded whiney.

“Whiney? He’s talking about his life, his love, how is that whiney?” I defended the artist.

“Oh come on Tristyn, you have to admit his voice is a little annoying. And it’s just one guy and a guitar.”

“That’s what makes it so great. It’s raw and real. Simplicity at its finest.” I said looking through the lyrics of the songs. I knew them by heart but it was like poetry when read from the page. That gave me an idea. I started reciting some of the lyrics to really drive my argument home.

“I see your point the lyrics aren’t bad, but his voice, come on.” He smiled, grabbing my hand to kiss it.

“Where are we going?” Becca’s voice brought me back.

“Well, I thought we would try a place that specializes in noble heritage that’s about an hour from here. A little hole in the wall but it is known for their accuracy and precision. I also happen to know the folks that run the place,” He said, the last part seemed to be some sort of joke we weren’t getting.

I put my hand to my cheek to rest it against the door panel and realized that my cheek was wet. Why was I always crying? This guy was going to think I was emotionally unstable. I breathed deeply in, steadying myself. They were not sad tears though, perhaps longing but not sad. I missed Lucas dearly right now. My gut began to hurt so I folded my arms over my stomach. He should have been here with me, but I was with Becca and Sean. Sean who tugged at forgotten part of me.
I allowed myself to get lost in the objects passing by us. I imagined for a moment that I was on my honeymoon with Lucas; that the last few months hadn’t happened. That everything was how they should’ve been. My stomach turned into a thick knot, I rested my head on the seat and closed my eyes. I tightened my arms around my stomach. All the while my head began pounding.

“How are you doing over there? You’re awfully quiet, Tristyn,” Becca said laying a hand on my shoulder.

I opened one eye and looked at her. “Didn’t sleep great last night,”

She quickly understood, she nodded and pursed her lips together. “Oh,”

“Do you need me to stop for anything? Coffee maybe,” Sean asked, smiling at me. My heart jumped at the sight of his smile.

“That sounds like an awesome idea. Aspirin wouldn’t hurt either.” I said.

“Alright, we’ll stop just around the way here.” He nodded toward the corner.

I needed to talk to Becca and wake up. It was important that I didn’t miss anything from today. I also didn’t want to miss a moment with Sean. The sun was out today, which was nice; we wouldn’t have the rain and cold to deal with. Becca and I got out to grab some coffee while Sean started talking to an old man sitting outside the shop.

“What was the dream about this time?” Becca asked while we waited.

“Lucas of course. Only, okay, please don’t think I’m completely insane.” I said. “I was in the car with Lucas after the wreck. (This sounded better rather than being in his place.) And I saw a man coming toward the car, but the sirens of the ambulance cut him off. It was weird because everything was so vivid. And I felt pain, real pain, like I had actually been in a car accident.”

Becca nodded. “That’s not too crazy Tristyn. You had ridden with Lucas in his Camaro plenty of times, and have some sort of idea what happened. I think you’re trying to piece something together, like maybe figuring out why.”

I bit my lip, keeping to myself that I swore Sean was in the dream too. I could only imagine her psycho analysis of that. We took our coffee outside. Becca walked passed Sean and towards the car. She nodded toward Sean and climbed into the car. I stopped next to Sean to wait for him to finish his conversation. He walked beside me to the car. Taking his time with each step, kicking a few rocks along the way.

“You look better, I was worried. You looked a little sick in the car.” He said, a slight shadow lined his face. This allowed the lines of his face become more defined.

“I’m fine, just memories you know. Memories of Lucas, and the realization that this was supposed to be another memory. Sorry, I’m a little lost right now.” I said taking in a breath. Again he looked helpless.

“I’m truly sorry, I wish there was something I could do to make it better, but I have no idea how you feel. I’ve never had as much as a girlfriend before so I know nothing of that sort of loss.”

I gave him a reassuring smile.
“Its fine, I think it will just take me a while to get better. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be the same ya know?

“ I know.” He said “From what I know, after a couple of days, you’re a good person. And Lucas knew this I think, he was extremely lucky to have gotten to be with you.”

“Thanks, I’m glad I got to be the one he chose.” I said.

We climbed into the car and headed onto the road. I was glad to have the strength to stay awake. Sean was great to talk to, he went on about his schooling, music he liked, books he had read, places he had been. I was fascinated to learn all that I could about him. It made me feel a little better about the feelings that were growing. He had managed quite a bit of information into an hour drive. We had to be getting close, he was now explaining his family. Becca managed to ask questions that I didn’t think of. I was very thankful that she had come along with me.

“My family is a little funny, we split into half sort of when I was real young, barely two, my dad Irish and mum was English. Don’t know much about her. My dad told me I had an older brother but he went with my mum to the states. Not too long ago she wrote me a letter letting me know she loved me and the separation was for the best. She only had my safety in mind, totally didn’t understand what she meant though. So I went to study in America, I guess hoping that I would find that long lost brother. Bet this sounds nutty huh?” he said after glancing at my face.

I shook my head; I was adopted after all and had no idea who my actual parents were. I could have a whole other family for all I knew. “I’m adopted, no clue where I come from,”

“You seem to fit in great over here. You’d be able to blend when you go to Ireland. Until you spoke that is. Oh, here we are.” He pulled into a parking lot in front of a very old looking building. Large stone steps lead up to the door.

“This is a hole in the wall?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“This is the library, the heritage place is right there.” He pointed to a smaller building beside the library. It looked like it could be a small café. Glass windows with old pictures displayed some books, and things that were supposed to look like family heirlooms.
“Oh, okay.” I nodded.

“Come on, I told them we were coming, wouldn’t want them waiting.” He walked through the door

Becca and I followed; I looked around at the buildings around us. We must have been in the heart of London. We were standing on top of a hill, The Thames river could be seen, Big Ben towering behind several buildings. I loved the smell that engulfed us as we walked through the door, coffee and some kind of bread baking. Sean was shaking hands and hugging a man behind the counter, and called to someone that must have been somewhere in the back of the store.

“This is my dad,” Sean said, motioning towards the man.

“Oh! Hello ladies! Who are these young women?” the man behind the counter came out to shake our hands too.

“I’m Tristyn,” I said smiling.

“Rebecca” Becca said grabbing the man’s hand.

“Liam, pleasure, how do you happen to know Sean?”

Before we could answer a woman’s voice traveled through the store, “Liam, who is it?”

“Sean, he’s brought some Americans with him too,” Liam shouted.

“Is that so? Splendid!” the woman’s voice sang. A short woman with blonde frizzy hair pinned back, wearing just about every color you could at once came out wiping her hands. Her green eyes were framed with smile lines.

“Hello, dears. My name is Sara.” She gave us both hugs.

“Sean! How have you been?” she embraced Sean as a mother would have.

“Good, Aunt Sarah.” Sean said, “Not much has happened since Sunday you know. Except meeting these two, the bookstore is ridiculously slow. Dad, I was wondering if you could do something for Tristyn.”

“What’s that?” he asked smiling at me.

“Well, um…” Why couldn’t I just spit the words out?

“I wanted to find some information on my late fiancé’s family. I know he is from somewhere close to here. And I think he had mentioned being noble on his mother’s side.” I said, surprised at myself.

“What’s his name?” Liam asked going over to his computer.

“Lucas Walker,” I said, I could’ve sworn Liam flinched at Lucas’s first name, and then shook it off.

“Alright, let’s see here,” he typed the name into the computer and scrolled around.
“You said Walker? Do you happen to know his mom’s name?”

“Gwen, I never met her though. She died when Lucas was about 15” I said studying his face, aware that Sean was studying mine. Becca came up and wrapped her arm around me.

“No Gwen Walker, got a father’s name?” his voice cracked in the middle.

“Are you alright Dad?” Sean asked.

“Yeah, all those years of smoking, you know?” He said, coughing loudly.

Sean raised an eyebrow and turned his head reluctantly back to me.

“No, he never talked about his dad, he stayed here when they went to the states,” as the words came out Liam excused himself and almost ran to the back. Sara was staring at me, with a soft, knowing smile. I was so confused.

“My family is going insane,” Sean said. “I’ll go see what’s up with Dad,”

“What’s wrong?” I asked Sara watching Sean walk to the back of the store.

“It’s just; I think it may be best if I just told you. They may be a while. I think the last name may be false or changed, dear.” She said pretending to read the computer.

I was trying to reason what was going on. The wrong name. We had gotten all the paper work done to get married, his name was correct. It had been Walker since I had known him, since junior high. My eyebrows pulled together as I concentrated on what Sara’s words meant. Becca spoke “False name? Like witness protection stuff?”

“Something like that,” Sara said. She came beside me and led me to a seat. “Can you tell me a little about him dear?”

I nodded as I slid into the chair.
“What did Lucas look like?” she said.

Before I knew it the words “Like Sean,” came out.
Becca’s eyes widened as looked at me, thinking about the resemblances she hadn’t noticed before. Her mouth dropped a little.

“Could you be a little more specific?” she patted my hand. She reached behind her and handed me a tissue. I hadn’t even realized there were tears on my cheek.


“Same stormy blue gray eyes, Lucas had lighter hair. Smile is the exact same though. They even kind of sound the same when they speak, except Lucas had a softer accent.”
As I described Lucas, more tears building in the corners of my eyes. I coughed and hurried to wipe them away. I began to understand that all my stupid theories had been true. My life wasn’t as mediocre as I had always though, apart from being adopted. I focused heavily on steadying my breaths. I felt Becca’s hand give mine a little squeeze. At this moment, I would have taken mediocrity.

“Could this not all be coincidence?” Becca asked, even though her voice was obviously doubtful of her own question.

“I sincerely think not dear,” Sara said. “You see a lot of things happened with nobility when the boys were young. Our family was true to what they believed, still are deep down. There was another noble family who didn’t like Liam’s grandfather, Sean. Sean was very loyal to the crown and what the crown stood for. Peace and strength for England, and to uphold this Sean was determined to protect the secret that the prince was desperately in love with an Irish princess, Ellyan.’

“The prince told Sean in confidence that he was going to fake his death, the crown would pass to his younger brother, and he would be able to go to his love. The princess in Ireland was the youngest of her siblings, being only 17; she had no desire of being in the shadows of her brothers and sister. She told her father she was going to America to study and hope to become an ambassador. The other noble family’s representation at the time, Xavier, somehow discovered the prince’s plan. When the prince faked his own death, Xavier pinned the blame on Sean. Without any kind of evidence, he was never convicted though his reputation was greatly demolished. Sean went with the prince and vowed to protect him and his love. They lived in the country in a small cottage with Sean’s family.’

“Ellyan died giving birth to her daughter, who the prince raised with the help of Sean and his wife. They lived in the cottage the daughter moved back to Ireland. When the boys were young the grandson of Ellyan and the prince, arrived with his daughter. His wife had been killed when someone had realized whose descendant he was and burned his house. He and the baby had gone into town. Liam and Gwen, who was also noble birth, told Joshua that the only way to ensure the baby’s and his own safety was to send the baby away. So they put her up for adoption in America. He still lives in a small town outside of Dublin.
‘But Liam and Gwen were reluctant to leave them all on their own, so being true to their code they decided to separate and protect each one. Liam protected Joshua, and Gwen followed the baby girl. They split the boys too, grateful they were much too young to know the truth. Well Sean was too young at least, Lucas might’ve remembered. But this is how I am amazed to actually be looking at you Tristyn. I fear that they tracked Lucas back to the states after he visited. I am so sorry for your loss, and I understand this is a lot to take in right now.”

I was completely shocked, Becca was as well. Her mouth had fallen open again. There was no way, was there. My entire life, world, existence had just been turned upside down in a matter of seconds. Was this why I was to come here? Was this why I was destined for Lucas or Sean or whoever? Sean and Liam had walked through the door while Sara was finishing the story. Sean’s eyes her completely locked on me. Liam had his hand on Sean’s shoulder.

“I-I need to go outside, with Sean please.” I said slowly getting up. Sean followed me out the door. Becca watched my face, I shook my head. I needed to speak with Sean. I felt awful, extremely nauseated and overwhelmed. I could only imagine Sean feeling the same way, also I desperately wanted him to know how great his brother was.

It had started to rain while we were inside. As we walked outside I sat down on a bench under an awning. I was lost. Sean grabbed my hand and with his other hand rubbed my shoulder. He was comforting me. His hand on mine felt right, like it was suppose to fit there. This caused the crying to worsen. Lucas’ hand felt right too. Then there was the knowledge that my father was out there somewhere, and that Sean would never know his brother. That Liam had lost his son twice. I felt everyone’s hurt at the same time.